Children don't intend to cause permanent damage to one another, I'm sure. Yet I believe that those labels were colouring my decisions long after the childhood incidents. For example, offering opinions at work took courage, but was still easier than standing up for myself in a painful domestic situation. Looking back, I was mindful enough to know I was in a bad predicament, but not mindful enough to see the obvious solution; on some level I believed I wasn't good enough, or smart enough, to raise my children on my own.

One reason mindfulness may seem effortful is because of the pain of negative thoughts. When thoughts are uncomfortable, people often struggle to erase them. The pain, however, does not come from mindful awareness of these thoughts, but from a single-minded understanding of the painful vent...mindfulness leads to feelings of control, greater freedom of action, and less burnout. (Langer, 1989, p. 202)

Looking back at my life and finding patterns of behavior which were in accordance with my beliefs was not a pleasant process. Discovering what I did believe, and why, has made acceptance of my own mistakes a little easier—not painless, but easier. Kraftsow (2002)

talks about breaking the conditioning cycle, with conditioning affecting the personality, being "expressions of things that have happened to us in our past, whether known or unknown. (p. 7)

This suggests to me that perhaps it's not essential to remember every detail of our past. It may be that we simply need to be able to look at the expressions that need changing. I personally think there's a reason for memories to be repressed; they seem to remain hidden until we're ready to deal with them. In my case, some seemed to be shaken loose after a car accident gave me a concussion. When I finally realized that the nightmares which followed could be recollections of real events, I was at a stage in my life where I could work with a counsellor. Now, many years later, I can honestly say I'm grateful for those memories that have surfaced; painful as they were, they explained my life to me.

Reading that others reacted to violence with feelings and behaviors similar to my own and those of some of my students was important; learning to change the way I thought about events in my past and diffuse the emotions those memories held was incredibly empowering. Looking back with older eyes, I could see that although my actions were far from perfect, I had done the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. It follows that others did the same—even those who caused me pain. I read about forgiveness and now understand it doesn't mean condoning bad behavior, my own or that of others; rather, it means I can release negative emotions and get on with my life.

How freeing that is!