creating a better learning environment

Auditing Relationships

Just as we can evaluate or audit our physical environment, we can audit our emotional environment. Personal relationships form part of our emotional environment. METRAC describes how to audit both casual and intimate relationships. This information is adapted from their booklet. You may want to audit relationships with acquaintances or with people you are with in an education program.

• Is there a man at work or in a class who is bothersome? Do you always feel uncomfortable having to walk past a particular man or group of men or pin-ups of naked women in a hallway, classroom or workshop? Most women are assaulted by men they either know or are acquainted with. It is therefore important for us to pay attention to people around us. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

• Sometimes we can't put our finger on why we feel uncomfortable with men we know. Pay attention to your gut reaction--there is likely a good reason for it. You may be experiencing, or be at risk of, abuse.

• It is important to recognize a situation which puts you at risk, so don't ignore your intuition. You might regret it later.

Women in some education programs have worked together to make their place of learning safer for themselves and other women. Two such groups of women tell about their experiences in Listen to Women in Literacy; published by CCLOW.

You might want to look at the relationships in your personal life. While METRAC's booklet focuses on male-female relationships, you might want to audit your relationships with other women as well. For instance, lesbians can be in an abusive partnership or may face abuse from other women. If you wish to audit a relationship with another woman, re-phrase the METRAC questions.

METRAC suggests questions you may want to pose. "If something seems wrong in your relationship, it might have to do with abuse. You can audit your relationships for danger signs just as you would audit a place. Some of the signs which should warn you of danger, especially with men you are close to, are listed below:

Do any of the following statements apply to him?

• He is very jealous and doesn't want you to talk to other men.
• He criticizes your women friends and wants you to stop seeing them.
• He wants to know where you are and who you are with all the time.
• He tries to control your contacts with family members.
• He often criticizes what you wear.
• He usually criticizes what you do and say.

If they do, then he is trying to control your activities and who you see and talk to. If he succeeds, you will be much more dependent on him.

• He tells people about things you did or said that are embarrassing and makes you feel stupid.
• He blames you for things that go wrong for him.
• He makes jokes which put you and other women down.
• He calls you stupid, lazy, fat, ugly, a slut, or other things that make you feel bad.

If any of these statement apply to him, he is putting you down and making you feel less confident and in control.

• He likes to drive fast or do dangerous things to scare you.
• He gets carried away when you are playing and hurts you, or holds you down to make you feel helpless and humiliated, and give in.
• He becomes angry or violent when he drinks or uses drugs.
• He makes threats about hitting you, hurting your friends, your pets, or members of your family if you don't do what he wants.
• He threatens to leave you or kill himself if you don't obey him.
• He forces you to do sexual things that you don't want to do--by threatening or physical force.
• He becomes very angry about small, unimportant things.
• He won't express his feelings when asked and then he blows up.
• He hits you--he may be sorry afterwards, but he hits you.

If he does any of these things, he is threatening you and in some cases using physical violence.