"Where is she going?"
"Pretty soon I'm going to die." The look on the young girl's
face registered shock, and the tears rolled down her cheeks.
"Pretty soon all your brothers and sisters are going to die and you'll be all alone. Oh yes, you'll be all by yourself. Alone." She was crying uncontrollably now. Tears and incoherent words mixed with the anguish in her heart. He just laughed as he pulled the tape recorder out from under the pillow. This would be good for a joke with his drinking buddies.
She hated school. She had waited so long to go to school and yet she hated it. She was so stupid. She couldn't do anything right, nothing ever turned out. The little girl was convinced that she did not belong, she did not fit in with the rest of the children. And so she carried herself as though her very being was unworthy of even looking at another person.
That little girl did not do well in school, and had to stay after school quite often. She became quite friendly with the janitor who was always last to leave.
"This will be our own little secret," the janitor smiled at her. "Give me a little kiss." And his hand roamed down her small back to her buttocks. Was this love? Maybe someone did love her after all. She spent a lot of time with the janitor. It felt good when she was with him, loved and wanted. But when she wasn't with him she felt wrong and guilty. The feeling of being loved was too great to give up and so she kept on seeing him. No one knew. She wouldn't tell a soul, after all it was their own little secret.
"If you're good I'll show you the boys' bathroom." Elation. He must love her, she thought, if he was going to show her so sacred a place. An area that was taboo. She would be good, very good. She didn't want to lose this feeling. But alas, when the time came, she remembered going into the boys' bathroom, she barely remembered coming out. What was in there, or what happened while she was in there she could not remember. Perhaps it was for the best.
I love you, Daddy. I promise I'll love you forever.
That little girl grew into a young woman. A woman with talents, but she would not recognize those talents. A woman with strengths, but she would not acknowledge those strengths. And during those growing years the man, who was her father, became increasingly dependent on her for power, love and protection. He took from her, and gave nothing in return except her feelings of self loathing.