Through preparing this contribution for possible publication, I realized this was not so. The largest fear is the very small possibility that , one of my assailants would make good on his threat to sue me, destroying my financial security. The protection of a pseudonym in no way allays this fear.
On a more immediate scale, when using the printing facilities of my school, I feared that someone would come up and start reading the computer screen and I wouldn't be able to clear it fast enough, that I would leave one stray sheet on the Xerox machine, paper cutter, printer, or fax machine that contained a detail of the abuse with my name on it, that I would inadvertently leave an identifying detail on my work, or that you would mistakenly use my real name. At 5:30 on your deadline day, with no one else in the school, I tried to fax my work to you. I couldn't get the machine to work. I drove home, sobbing and screaming, railing at the pain, fear and anger that I should feel this precious. beautiful, powerful life work to be illicit and dangerous.
One day later with the help of my friend Shauna. I realized that if I ignore or try to tough myself through these fears. I am abusing myself. I have invested enormous time, money, and spirit in my healing process over the past number of years in group work, private therapy. art work and mostly in my writing. The experience of the past week has brought me a new respect for the depths of the abuse and the time and protection my healing still requires. So, for now, I must remain silent.
I wish you all well in your important work.
Morgan McClung is a pseudonym. She lives in Canada and is finishing a degree in Adult Education at a Canadian University. She is a survivor.