How the Abuser may use the children to control the victim after separation:
- persuading the children that you are to blame for the separation
- having the children transmit messages to you
- pumping them for information about your current living situation, your finances or you new dating partners
- returning them dirty, unfed or emotionally distraught from visits
- frequently buying them presents or taking them on expensive outings or buy their affection and loyalty
- turning the children against you through verbal conditioning and manipulation
- undermining your parting by making his home a place with no rules, structure or safety precautions
- having special toys or pets at his house that they cannot take home, so they have to go to his house to enjoy them
- making the children feel sorry for him about the separation, such as telling them he
cries when they aren’t there, so they will feel obligated to spend more time with him
- taking them for visits and returning them late, or not returning them at all for days or weeks
- not calling them or spending time with them at all, especially when he is angry at you about something
- not paying child support, underpaying or paying late
- causing you and the children to come homeless by not contributing financially, by getting you evicted or by forcing the sale of your home
- threatening various kinds of harm to you if you allow the children to get to know your new partner
- destroying their relationships with therapists (by scaring them out of talking to the therapist, by threatening the therapist or
through manipulation).
- dragging you into court repeatedly regarding visitation or financial matters
- seeking custody of the children through the court or threatening to do so
- kidnapping the children or threatening to do so
- physically or sexually abusing the children during visitation, especially when he is angry at you
- filing unwarranted child abuse reports
- promising to see the children and then cancelling at the last minute, in an effort to control your schedule and free time.