Marnie asked if I had learned anything new and I told her how interested I was in Kathy's discoveries about reading styles. Marnie agreed with me that the whole theory makes good sense.

I talked about my discussion with Kathy and Val about "class clowns" and Marnie started to smile. "I'm sorry for laughing but I suddenly got this picture in my head of a circus and all the clowns and well, I saw myself as the juggler - juggling a sick kid with pneumonia, doing my job, trying to get here for a student who can't come in for an assessment until 7:00 in the evening. Right now I feel very fit to join a circus!"

"On a good day, that analogy is cheerful; then I'm more like the Ring Leader who keeps things running smoothly. But on the bad days trying to be a juggler of work and family is really overwhelming."

I told Marnie that many of the other literacy workers with whom I had spoken had expressed the same frustrations.

"I thought the other day," Marnie said smiling again, "about going out and getting a 'real' job. You know, one with regular hours and reasonable expectations. The pay would probably be better but after a month I'd know the job. Whereas here, after 4 years, I'm still learning. I now enough now to realize how much I don't know. I still have as much to learn as I have learned so far and that's wonderful."

"The first month on the job was scary but now I've handled the basics and it's more reasonable and I love it. That's the real attraction of the job for me; I love learning."

"You know, we talk all the time about our students being 'adult learners' but I'm the first person I think of when I think of an adult learner. Anyone who comes into this job as an 'adult knower' simply couldn't do this job."

Marnie's greatest frustration is feeling that there isn't enough time in which to do the work she would like to do within her program. She is paid for 16 hours a week but many weeks works up to 30 hours. "Pat Buckland has taught me the value of just working the hours that I'm paid for," Marnie said. "She works overtime but she doesn't try to do it all. I have such a tendency to want to do it all and I'm beginning to realize that I can't do it all and that I'm never going to be able to do it all. I'm afraid that if I had 30 paid hours a week, I'd end up working 60! It's hard but I have to set limits. Otherwise I would have no time for my son and he is why I am choosing to work part-time right now."

Over lunch Marnie talked about her experience as a tutor. "I started tutoring because it seemed dangerous not to, just in case someone called me on it. It's hypocritical to tell tutors, 'ah, you won't have a problem' and then discover that what they're dealing with is a problem. I sure am learning a lot. I don't feel that I'm a very good tutor. My student thinks we're doing great but I'm not so sure." Marnie laughed and added, "Like other tutors I wish I had a coordinator myself to call on for help and support when I need it."

"I remember one time at a literacy conference I met Lorna Bell from up north. She said to me that if she is ever unsure about something in tutoring she just asks the student because they inherently have all the necessary answers."

"Maybe because I have a young child I like to think about the students 'standing on their own two feet'. We can be what they use to hold onto while they pull themselves up and steady themselves and find their balance. But we can only be that effectively if we're actually not doing it, if they just think that we're doing it. It's really great when the students realize that they don't really need us to help them stand, that they can manage just fine on their own."