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CONSUMER WRITING - ORIGINALS
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Home
improvements and repairs can pose many difficult problems and complaints for
consumers. The general guidelines and cautions contained in this pamphlet can
assist consumers and should be considered when dealing with home
contractors.
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The appearance
of an ad in recognized media outlets - such as your local paper or radio
station - does not guarantee the legitimacy of the company behind the
ad.
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Of particular
importance to those seeking opportunities for fraud, seniors are much more
likely to have developed chronic ailments. Not surprisingly then, seniors are
particularly concerned about their health. This concern creates a large
vulnerability to quack, miracle cure, hospital fraud, aging cure and other
medical fraud of all kind.
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The Dispute
Resolution service investigates and mediates consumer-business disputes through
informal mediation. The goal of this service is to provide third party
assistance in solving disputes through mutually agreeable resolutions. The
mediation is conducted through telephone/mail contacts, and informal hearings
held in the office.
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| Consumer
Writing ( After ) |
CONSUMER WRITING - SUGGESTED REWRITES
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Follow these
tips to get an honest deal from a home contractor. [or replace paragraph with a
title, such as] Choosing an Honest and Qualified Home Contractor
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Do not assume
that a company is trustworthy just because it advertises on radio or in the
newspaper.
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If you have
health concerns, then you are a prime target for con artists. They will try to
sell you quack medicines, miracle cures, anti-aging treatments, and other
useless products. They may take advantage of you to rip off your hospital,
doctor, or health insurance company.
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If you have a
complaint against a business, we can look into it. We will collect information
from you and the business by mail or phone, and sometimes we will meet with you
both in our office. Our goal is to find a fair solution to your
complaint.
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| Brochure
Panel ( Before ) |
Original of one panel from a brochure entitled
"The Somerset County
Division of Consumer Affairs"
About the
Division
The Somerset
County Division of Consumer Affairs was established in May 1973. It was the
first county Consumer Affairs Office in New Jersey.
The Consumer
Affairs Office is a free service, funded by the County of Somerset. Consumer
Affairs evaluates, investigates and mediates consumer complaints. In March
1976, legislation was written, which authorizes county departments to enforce
the "Consumer Fraud Act" and the regulations that supplement the
act.
The New Jersey
Consumer Fraud Act (N.J.S.A. 56:8-1 to 56:8-20) prohibits fraud, deceit or
misrepresentation in the sale or advertisement of merchandise. The consumer
regulations outline specific violations and carry the full force of the
law.
If you have a
question about your consumer rights, you can contact the Office for
advice.
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Rewrite
of the brochure panel
The Consumer
Affairs Office
We can help you!
Do you have a
complaint about a product or service?
Have you been tricked by an ad or a
salesperson?
Has a business cheated you?
As a consumer, you
have rights that are protected by law. The Consumer Affairs Office can answer
any question you have about these rights. We also can give you tips on how to
protect yourself as a consumer.
If you feel you
have been treated unfairly by a business, we will look into your complaint,
free of charge. We will help solve the problem and make sure the laws
protecting you are enforced.
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Comments on this Rewrite
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The brochure is
really about an Office, not a Division (both names are used in the original,
but consumers will know it as an Office).
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The revision
tells the consumer what is most important: how the consumer can be served by
the Consumer Affairs Office.
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The historical
information about the Office is relatively unimportant and takes up valuable
space. What's important is for consumers to know they have rights protected by
law; they don't really need to know the name of the law giving them that
protection, where to find it in the statutes, or when it was enacted.
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We don't need
to keep repeating Somerset because the name will be on the cover and the back.
Also the brochure will be handed out in Somerset.
Comparison of Original and Rewrite
| |
Original |
Rewrite |
| Word count |
120 |
99 |
| Average sentence length |
15 |
12.25 |
| Number of 3+ syllable words |
28 |
9 |
| Readability score (FOG) |
16.7 |
8.5 |
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