HELPING WITH CHANGE

Mary Baetz

Anytime we face change in our life, we are confronted with the need to endure a transition from what was, to what is, and all transitions provoke a defense response in people. Even positive changes require us to give up something with which we are familiar.

To manage the feelings that emerge during transitions we need the opportunity to mourn the passing of the old way so that we can be free to accept the new. For transitions that are predictable, we as a society have developed some methods to do this. For example, we have 'stag night' for moving from bachelorhood to married life, baby showers to prepare for the move to parenthood, and wakes to celebrate those who have died, and to prepare those who are left for a new life. The recurrent theme in all of these is the focus on celebrating the good of what was, giving us a chance to say goodbye to a part of our lives that will never be again. These rituals allow us to 'let go' so that we can move on.

Changes we didn't expect or choose to make (such as moves to an unmarried state through divorce, or changes in employment status or type) have fewer or no rituals attached. So we go through the transition with little opportunity to 'let go' of our past. Thus, we may find ourselves of two minds about the change — unable to accept the good parts of the change just because it is different, and wishing for a past that can't be recaptured. We find ourselves harbouring anger and feeling unusually tired and withdrawn. We may resist even reasonable requests and sometimes view our own behaviours with dismay.

When a major change confronts a group, there is the possibility that they will reinforce each other's feelings. This happens when a group faces transitions resulting from shifts in strategic direction or in leadership, from mergers with groups that previously were seen as competitors, or during a large-scale introduction of technology. Failure to make sure the group has the opportunity to mourn the loss will leave many members unable to move forward at the speed that is desired.

Feelings experienced during transition are similar to, though less intense than, those felt when facing death. We have come to accept the reality of the five stages of coming to terms with death — stages first identified by Kubler-Ross. The stages were portrayed in the movie "All That Jazz" and describes the movement through our pain: