describing the barriers

Let Me Listen to Me

I am a survivor of sexual abuse and a lesbian. As a survivor, I brought fears, anxieties and low self-esteem, which were psychological scars from sexual abuse, to my post-secondary education. Psychological trauma is like a physical wound or disease; the body requires time to heal. Just as the physical healing process can leave extremely sensitive scar tissue, so the human spirit can become fragile and sensitive to external stimuli; trust and safety issues become extremely important. As a survivor, I found myself confronting these wounds daily at university as educators and other students failed to understand the fears and inadequacies I felt.

Conjointly I was dealing with my "sexual identity." I was beginning my coming out process; this process brings many fears that are real. A woman who loves another woman deviates from norms and values of a predominantly heterosexual society. Lesbians are subject to reproach from institutions within society--friends, family, employers, police, governments, and educators.

I feared isolation, rejection, and loneliness and I feared loss of self-respect. In spite of these battle scars, often called "post traumatic stress disorder," I still had a burning desire to succeed, a clear understanding of my intellectual abilities and a cognitive understanding and belief that someone would love me and return my love.

I was aware that educating myself would augment my self-esteem and disarm my fears. However, as I had little information about teachers or classes, I felt unsafe, unsure of which teachers I could trust. The content of classes--for example, sociology, psychology, philosophy--could also be unsafe as they often dealt with things that I was experiencing personally. Discussions on incest, homosexuality, and/or lesbianism terrified me. Often, students and professors would support homophobia or theories like "false memory syndrome." I often left my classes feeling angry, lonely, frightened and discouraged.

Some of the theoretical material presented in class diametrically opposed my existence as a lesbian and my experience as a survivor. When I did participate in class discussions, I felt both an enormous fear of exposure and a responsibility to educate others and defend myself and my gay community. Sometimes I experienced the direct consequences of sexism and homophobia. In one philosophy class, some students (who were apparently fundamentalist), said that because of my orientation I was "damned forever." In psychology, discussions concerning sexual abuse victims focused on the damage to the psyche, there was little positive discussion about survivors.

For example, there was no information about survivors and their incredible strength, endurance and determination to conquer their fears and find success in spite of adversity. When sexual abuse issues came up in class, I had flashbacks and panic attacks. I became an expert at intellectualizing and hiding my feelings, anger and shame. Some classmates would giggle and laugh or comment about sexual abuse perpetrators and their victims--i.e. "children can be seductive" or that "it was one way of learning about sex." I often felt very different from my classmates. It was difficult to make friends who were safe enough so I could be to be honest about my feelings.