describing the barriers

The homophobia expressed by classmates and instructors was constant, and influenced my acceptance of myself as a lesbian. During these years I suffered from depression. Internally, I fought the idea that I was a lesbian. Like many of my classmates, I believed that my sexual identity was a choice, and if I just worked at it harder, I could change that choice. I internalized all the negative and homophobic reality around me.

At one point, my depression became so severe I required treatment and hospitalization. I could not bear the pain of the "choice" I seemed compelled to make. Although I was extremely suicidal at the time, I continued to attend classes during the day and to return to the hospital in the evening; no one, not my family, classmates or my professors, knew. Living a dual life-style and hiding my problems left me tired and afraid that I would not graduate or be successful.

One weakness in my post-graduate studies was a absence of literature that dealt with sexual abuse or lesbianism in a healthy way. Books or lecture materials (videos, articles) that portrayed survivors and/or lesbians as healthy, successful, competent women were virtually non-existent. Most books and videos showed lesbians and survivors as troubled, unhealthy, and different from the social norm. This angered me. Not only was it not true, but it encouraged homophobia and sexism in my classmates and instructors and appeared to legitimize their behaviour.

What Can We Do?

Teachers must understand the effects of sexual abuse and acknowledge that using certain materials in class may negatively affect some adult students. It would be sensitive and appropriate to acknowledge this at the start of a course, and offer confidential and appropriate support systems or students who require it. As well, diligent and sensitive educators will have current and accurate materials on gay history, gay culture, and resources within the gay community available for all students, but particularly for those dealing with sexual identity issues.

Most importantly, teachers need to be extremely clear about the environment of their class--there is zero tolerance for homophobia, sexism, racism or other insensitivity.

Most of my university years were extremely painful, though the personal growth and maturity I gained at such great cost have become invaluable. During the last two years of my studies, I began to accept myself and to be more open about myself with others. I found friends and teachers who were gay-positive and with whom I felt I could share my life experiences. At this point, I became strong and sensitive toward myself and others.

As a lesbian survivor, it is fundamental that my life work is to educate society and condemn any beliefs that permeate and nurture oppression. My beliefs and my experiences have taught me to listen to myself and to believe that I am an important contributor to and loving member of society. My post-graduate studies taught me how to be critical and analytical of materials and courses taught in formal institutions of learning.

In the words of Gertrude Stein: "Let me listen to me and not to them.”

“G”