Look after Yourself
Any sort of contact with experiences of violence has an effect on the listener. Whether you hear brief mentions of the violence or extended stories, you will need to think about how to look after yourself.

Set boundaries
You may find any support or tutoring you offer expands to take up more and more of your time and energy. You need to set boundaries. Your boundaries may include such aspects as when you have time to talk with her, or whether she can call you at home or not, or what you are able to listen to. It is important for you to set your own boundaries or you may find yourself trying to respond to a need which may feel bottomless. Anyone who was abused as a child had her boundaries violated and so did not have a chance to learn to value herself and to set her own boundaries or assume boundaries in others.

If you do not set boundaries you are likely to give more of your time and energy than you are comfortable with, and several problems may arise. If you give more than you are comfortable with, eventually you are likely to feel angry that too much is being asked of you. You may hold your irritation in, so that it grows and you eventually take your anger out on others, or blow up at the woman herself. Or you may show your resentment by being late or giving mixed messages. This is not good for the woman or for you.

If you know and can be clear about your boundaries, you offer an example that boundaries are good things to have. If you do not protect your own boundaries, you send a message, however subtle, that you don't respect your own needs and that you don't think it is okay to say no. Respecting her own needs and learning to say no are important skills survivors need to learn. Your example may help her learning, and help you not to commit yourself to too much.

Recognize that it is toxic to hear details of violence
If you find yourself bearing witness to accounts of the horrors in a woman's life, it is very important to recognize that what you are hearing is toxic, and painful for you. If you do not acknowledge this, it is quite likely that you will end up angry: angry with men (or with women) who have carried out the violence, or angry with the woman for asking you to hear such horrors, or angry with the next person who asks something of you because you have already heard too much. Or perhaps you will find yourself seeing only pain in the world.

Create a way to deal with the pain
One of the authors of The Courage to Heal writes that at the end of workshops she takes a shower and remembers each woman she has worked with. She thinks about whether there is something more she needs to say to each woman, and then as the water washes over her, she imagines it washing away the pain she is holding.

I found that after sessions of hearing about Mary's painful childhood it helped me to let go if I scheduled an evening of playing with a child. Seeing that child's confidence, strength and fun-filled life, and playing myself; helped me to let go of the horror of hearing of a childhood filled with every kind of pain and neglect. It stopped that pain from becoming the only thing I could see.

Recognize that it is painful to bear witness. Find your own way to put the pain outside you and let go of what you have heard.

Work on your own issues
Ask yourself, "Why am I interested in supporting a woman to address her issues of violence?" Often we are hooked by a need that is similar to our own. Many of us who respond to women's needs about violence have ourselves experienced violence. It is really important to notice if supporting another woman is raising your own issues. You may need to find a source of support to explore these issues. Perhaps you need to see a therapist, or join a survivors' group. Do not blur your issues together with those of the woman seeking your support or look for support from her.

If you have issues of abuse in your own past, it may mean that you have wonderful empathy with other women's issues, but it also may mean that you have difficulty with personal boundaries yourself, and repressed anger about your abuse. You need to take on your issues separately from your work with survivors of abuse in the literacy program.

You may find yourself in a crisis, or providing poor support, if you thought you had already addressed your own issues, or did not realize you had issues which would surface as you began to work with a survivor. It is crucial that you do not continue in that situation. You need to be clear to the woman why you cannot continue. You will need to seek help in finding support yourself to address your issues and in finding alternative supports for the woman or women you were working with.