Appreciation
Anger may be hard to take, but so also may be the incredible appreciation for whatever you do in hearing and validating her feelings and her experiences. She may want to give you many gifts. Negotiating what gifts feel all right to you, and working to create equality in the relationship, is very important. It, too, may be an experiment for the learner to explore how to value and respect herself enough to relate to another as an equal. Too much appreciation may be about how little she values herself and you may need to address this.

Terror
Telling another person about her abuse and revealing details of her past which she may have hidden even from herself may be a terrifying experience for the student. She may request that you hear her and then back off. Her slow working through of her issues and her need to return over the same ground may call for a lot of patience. Bringing memories to the surface may lead her to relive her terror and put her into crisis. Be prepared for many ups and downs.

Believe what you hear
Hearing experiences that are unimaginable to you may bring up issues you need to address. If the accounts seem unbelievable, it is important that you talk to others who work on these issues, or do some reading, to help you to understand that it is true and does happen.

There are many good feminist texts which look at the issue of abuse. A particularly powerful article which addresses the issue of the desire to deny the existence or degree of memories of abuse is Sylvia Fraser's article "Freud's Final Seduction." A feminist therapist, or a counselor from a shelter or a community health clinic, may be someone who can offer support and help you think about how you are responding.

Shame and guilt
Most importantly, through any doubts that the woman you are working with may have, you need to hang on to your belief that the abuse was not her fault. Many survivors firmly believe that they were to blame for the abuse. They formed that belief when the abuse happened and so they may find it immensely hard to begin to leave it behind. This belief may lead survivors to feel both shame and guilt.

You may need to tell a woman repeatedly that you don't believe that the abuse was her fault. Never lie to a survivor since she has been lied to by her abuser and can detect insincerity a mile away. However, if you do believe she was responsible, then you need to re-assess your suitability to support a survivor. If you attempt to tell her one thing while believing the opposite she will know you are not being honest and be unable to trust you in other ways.

Keep confidentiality
It is important to think about who you can choose to support you without breaking confidentiality for the woman who is talking to you. If you cannot keep her confidences entirely you must tell the woman so clearly, so that she can decide what she is prepared to tell you, knowing that.

While working with Mary, I found a feminist counsellor, not involved with the literacy program, who was a good support for me. I could tell her in general what I was hearing and check with her whether I was responding helpfully. Before I found that skilled person, I talked to friends in the literacy community for support but, because they knew who I was working with, I was in danger of revealing confidential information.