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Take stock
To make sure that
the learner is in control of the process of working with her own memories you
might want to plan together every few weeks. Talking about how you have worked
together and the materials you have used can help a learner talk about what she
wants to do more of, and what she doesn't want to do again. This can help the
learner control the planning process and her learning.
Telling the learner about the possibilities you can imagine for
work you could do together can also help. It is rarely helpful to ask: "What do
you want to do?" You must be prepared to offer suggestions of materials to read
or look at and ways that you could work together. For example, you might choose
several books, videos or exercises which you think might be useful and
interesting to her. You could describe each one to the learner and tell her why
you thought she might find it useful, marking each one on your list with "yes,"
"no" or "maybe" according to her response. Then you can come back to the "yes"
and "maybe" pieces over the next period. Make sure you check in regularly to
see what is and is not working for the learner. Make sure she feels she has
permission to say what does and does not feel okay for her.
Every so often you will also want to take stock and see what
work you have accomplished together. You might want to celebrate landmarks in
some way. You might both want to write about what the learner has taken on and
what she feels she has achieved. She could write a letter to herself to remind
herself of her achievements. You could keep the letter and send it to her in
six months. You could both create a collage as a fun way of noticing where you
started in your journey together and where you are now.
It is also important to chart your own progress, insights and
feelings in whatever ways work for you. Having a support group with other
tutors or staff can help you recognize your own progress and look after
yourself too.
The Relationship
| Words of advice for a tutor from
Mary: |
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If you are going to work with someone who
has been through this you have to know they are scared to talk about it. You
have to let them know that they can trust you. They may do a lot of things to
see if they can trust you. You should not push them to tell you anything they
are not ready to tell you about sexual abuse. But as they trust you they will
tell you everything. You have to let them know you care what happened to them.
Tell them they are not stupid because we think this and think that it was our
fault this happened to us. We think we did something to make it happen. You
have to have patience with them, like the person I am working with does. When
the learner is pushing you it is that they have to do this to feel they have
someone to talk to for the first time. You have to let them know it was not
their fault and if you have to keep telling them, then that is what you should
do. The person I work with tells me all the time that it was not my fault. You
have to tell them it is okay to cry. We think it is not okay and have been told
not to cry. |
If you make a strong connection with an individual learner,
especially if you offer support around issues of violence and bear witness to
painful issues in a woman's life, a powerful relationship can develop.
Trust
For a survivor of
abuse, trust may be very difficult because trust was violated in the past. So
she may test you, over and over again, to check out whether she can trust you,
and to check out whether you will walk away from her.
Anger
As she recognizes the
abuse that has happened to her and perhaps remembers parts she had buried, she
may begin to feel an enormous amount of anger. She may have buried it before,
and not dared to show it because the anger of adults that she experienced as a
child was dangerous. She may end up being angry at you because you seem to be a
safe person to tryout what it feels like to recognize her new found feelings of
anger. Also, at times, you may be seen as a potential abuser because of your
power position of tutor or instructor. |