Physical and Sexual Abuse

I was young, naive and had little understanding of what the world was all about. Alcohol was an enemy for as long as I can remember. It wrecked my childhood, it took my parents away and the love we should have had as children.

I have seen and experienced a lot of abuse as a child that was the result of alcohol. I remember my Mother being battered many times, and the fear I felt. Too afraid to move, yet afraid that she would die from the injuries she received. My sexual abuse started then. There were many who took advantage of me while my parents drank. They had no idea what was happening to me. I was too afraid to tell, scared that when I was alone that I would be beaten. I was told that if I said anything to anyone I would pay for it, that there wasn't anyone to protect me, so I wasn't safe. The only way I survived was to pretend it wasn't happening when it did. I can remember all those cracks in the walls, where I took myself while it happened, dreaming that someday I'd never have to be here, crying and the feeling of being so dirty.

As a child I couldn't comprehend what was happening or why. I tried to be happy; however, I couldn't. I used to wonder why people would also say to me, "Why so sad, smile".

My abusers would come and visit my family. I would always feel so helpless. I would stay out of sight and hide. Everyone used to think I was shy. I wasn't, I was scared of these men. The way they looked at me was enough. I became a very angry and mean little girl, bitter towards everyone.

I didn't want to be close to anyone and didn't know how to behave towards friends and family. I lost all trust. My safe place was up in the big tree that stood behind our house. There I would watch for as far as I could see and wonder what it was like to be away from this place.

My physical and sexual abuse began when I was three years old and continued until I was 11 years old. I was sent away to residential school. To me, that was a blessing No longer did I have to put up with the abuse. I considered myself safe. Little did I realize that the effects would be with me for the next 25 years.

I used to be withdrawn from everyone and had a hard time to get involved, in any kind of activity. I was still scared of people, especially boys and men. I was afraid to let anyone near me. If they came too close I would wonder what they wanted and why. I tried hard, however, I didn't know how to behave. I had too much fear in me.