My father and stepmother would visit us often and even they never knew of the abuse. I covered the blackness with heavy make-up. If I had an unusually blackened and swollen eye I would discourage them from coming over. There was one time when my arms and shoulders were covered with bruises and fingerprints and they were on their way over. I quickly donned on a long sleeved heavy blouse, in the middle of a hot summer day.

The physical beatings occurred again and again and I kept taking tranquillizers while I continued drinking which put me into a state of mind where nothing mattered any more. I wanted to get away from the physical abuse but felt powerless to leave. It was during times like these when his words would echo in my mind. "Who would want you anyway? You're stupid and lazy. You're not even educated or trained in anything. What would you do without me? Starve, that's what would happen to you. I'm the best you are ever going to find."

I would think about my situation and believe that he was right about no one wanting me, a woman with a bunch of kids. I would think about all the things he said to me, about my rotten front tooth, which I could hardly see but he could and would always point out. I started talking with my mouth partially closed because I didn't want anyone to see the rotten tooth.

One day I was called to a counselling referral office regarding my son who was constantly in trouble. I apologized to her because of my speech impediment and she said, "What speech impediment?" I quickly explained that maybe it wasn't a speech impediment but it had something to do with the way I spoke and put my words together. Sometimes I didn't make sense. "I don't know what you mean. I can understand you just fine," she said.

After I started going to Al Anon the physical abuse stopped, but was replaced with verbal abuse, which to me was worse. It was through Al Anon, then counseling with a drug and alcohol counselor, and then a battered spouse's group that I was able to tell him that either he leave or I would leave and I would take all the children with me. He left. I changed our phone number to an unlisted number and saw a lawyer through Legal Aid and started divorce proceedings.

When I attempted to do some upgrading at the college years before my marks were below average. I missed days of school because of bruises or because of arguments which left me in a negative frame of mind. I couldn't see myself studying, feeling like that so I stayed home. The violence I lived with affected my learning ability and capacity to learn. My mind was too preoccupied with leftover arguments and memories of physical and verbal abuse to comprehend what was being taught during class.

If my studying was affected by violence, then my children's learning ability was affected also. On parent/teacher nights, their teachers would tell me that if my children would only apply themselves they would be straight A students. They pointed out that they could do much better.

I can only imagine what was going through their minds as they sat in class listening to the teacher. They did not escape the violence at home. They lived in it.

I have often wondered why I stayed in that marriage for as long as I did. Perhaps it was because my self esteem was so low, or that I had no support systems until I found AI Anon or that there were no support systems around for people like me. It could have been that I learned to live in a violent situation. It could have been all of these reasons.

Jean Wasegijig is an Odawa, from the Wekwemikong Reserve in central Ontario. She has lived in western Canada for the past twenty years. For the past several years, she has been involved with aboriginal issues and organizations in Vancouver, B.C. Jean is a freelance writer, poet and editor. She graduated from Douglas College in New Westminster, B.C. with a diploma in Applied Arts. After completing her third year at Simon Fraser University, Burnaby, B.C., majoring in psychology, she decided to interrupt her studies to work as one of the two project coordinators for the Meyoyawin Circle in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan