He wanted to own her femaleness and he wanted to her to hate it. He touched her and he hurt her. Her days and nights became a nightmare. Her mother was afraid of the father and afraid of the truth. She wanted to see only what she wanted to see. She refused to see the father's violence toward Kate. Her mother betrayed and abandoned Kate. She left her alone and defenseless. Because she feared for her own safety, she refused to protect Kate.

Her parent's actions made Kate feel sad and lonely, angry and afraid. Being a child, she needed as every child deserves, to be accepted as herself, to be loved as herself, to be held and nurtured, gently and lovingly. She deserved this. It is every child's birthright. But Kate was abandoned, neglected and violated in the home she came to live in.

Her father was a very sick man. He was evil in spirit, dangerous and violent. But he always pretended to be good and virtuous and right. (He was always right!) Most people saw, and believed he was what he pretended to be. But Kate saw both his sides and it confused her very much. She wanted to believe that he was good. She needed him to be good for her own good. But he was not. He was evil and wicked, violent and torturous.

The terrible things that Kate's father did to her were so evil, so sickening, so horrifying that it is difficult for a loving, gentle person to comprehend. The father tortured her. He raped her in violent and cruel ways. She did not even know the word "rape", but it was done to her many, many times. He violated and degraded her in nauseating ways. He also allowed his friends to hurt her and to torture her, to degrade and debase her, to rape and to violate her in every conceivable and inconceivable way. She was exposed regularly and frequently to the most evil side of human and inhuman nature.

This horrifying cruelty was perpetrated against this precious, beautiful, wise child as a regular part of her life for almost ten years. This cruelty hurt her deeply. She wept bitterly and angrily within herself. She fractured into many parts in order to stay whole. She became many children, each child holding a piece of her. In spite of this, all the parts of her worked together in a beautiful, cohesive symphony, determined to keep her sane and safe and loving. She fractured into many different parts, but the glue that kept the pieces together was a common bond of wisdom, strength and courage.

This remarkable child, Kate, kept herself alive and sane through her own inner wisdom and brilliance. By the time she left the dark, rank swamp called her childhood home, she was safeguarded by her own self-protecting armour. She carefully hid and protected the spark of life that was her self--her being. She protected the light that is her essence--the part of her that remembers and knows the Goddess, her mother.

I love this child. I admire her immensely. Her courage, her wisdom, her indomitable spirit and her unwavering belief in love in the presence of hatred, are all qualities of greatness. She survived, through her own brilliance, the trials of hell on earth. Thank the Goddess for her.

I love her.
I am her.
I and the children and Kate and the
Goddess are one.

Kate Delaney Earthdancer is a pseudonym. Being a survivor of ritual abuse, the author uses a pseudonym to preserve her anonymity for her own protection. Kate was born and raised in a rural Canada in a "typical" farming community. She now lives with her husband and children and works as a homemaker, artist and writer.