On the other hand, a tone that is too friendly can lull the reader into a false feeling of complacency. It is especially important to avoid this since the writer may have to communicate unwanted news at some future time.
Writers should not refer to themselves as “I.” This sets up too personal a tone for a business letter and can be confusing as well. In one of the letters, the writer switched from “we” to “I” (“We need up-to-date information from you …”; “I have enclosed information about other benefits …”). Using the pronoun “we” consistently encompasses the writer’s colleagues, who may also communicate with the client, and the public institution itself.
The tone of the instructions was too soft in a letter to clients who, in future, may no longer qualify for pension benefits. The letter gave a number of instructions and conditions for continuing to receive disability payments. If the reader did not respond in good time, it could have meant losing payments or having to pay money back.
The following examples shows how the tone could be “firmed up” so that clients have no doubt about their responsibility:
Before:
As well, it is important that you contact us as soon as possible if your situation changes.
After:You must contact us about changes in your life that might affect your pension.
Before:
I encourage you to read and keep the enclosed information including this letter.
After:Please read and keep this letter and enclosed information.
Before:
You need to tell CPP as soon as possible if there are changes in any of the following.
After:Contact us right away if there are any changes in:
Before:
I have enclosed the following important information.
After:Please read the enclosed important information:
The letter “Confirming our telephone conversation” was aimed at clients who had chronic illnesses from which they were unlikely to recover. The main purpose of the letter was to make sure they were aware of other benefits and programs for which they might be eligible in the future.
A softer tone was appropriate for the audience of this letter, but it was important to continue to be direct and businesslike.
The following examples shows suggested alternative phrases that still convey warmth, but are more direct.
Before:
I appreciate you taking the time to speak with me on...
After:Thank you for speaking with me on…
Before:
As well, it is important that you contact us…
After:Please contact us about any changes in your life.
Before:
I have updated your file with the information you provided.
After:We have updated your file with the information you gave us.
Before:
I have enclosed information about other CPP benefits or pensions that you or your family may be able to receive at some time.
After:Please read the enclosed information about other CPP benefits or pensions. You or your family may be able to receive them at some time.